Langkahku untukmu

Bila ku melihatmu, jiwaku tenang,
Tawa serta senyumanmu, membuat hati ku riang.
Andai kau tahu, hidupku ini ingin mengorak langkah bersamamu.

Setiap ceritamu, ku simpan dalam memori ku.
Ku rakam dalam minda setiap riak wajahmu.
Ku dakap dengan dekat memori yang disimpan satu per satu, tentang kita. Tentang kamu.

Memori manis, ku pegang erat. Memori pahit ku dakap lebih dekat

Aku di sini memegangmu dengan erat dalam dakapanku.

Setiap kali dirimu rapuh,
Setiap kali air matamu berlinang, ku tampung dengan tanganku.
Tidak akan ku biarkan ia dititis ke bumi.

Dapatkah kau merasakan, dakapan ku tiap kali kau sepi, tiap kali kau mendambakan kasih?

Tapi apakah di matamu, aku masih di depanmu?
Tapi apakah di sisimu, aku masih mendakapmu?
Tapi apakah bicara ceritamu, masihkah pada aku yang kau ceritakan?
Cinta ku padamu tiada ragunya,

Cintaku padamu, saksinya adalah Dia

Cinta ku padamu,

biarpun hatiku retak di setiap langkah,
aku tadahkan ia, agar diisikan di ruang-ruang hatimu

Jika cinta kita,

biarpun membuatku hidup dalam mati,
akan aku bawa sehingga langkah dan nafas terakhirku.

Andai takdirnya kita dipisahkan,
percayalah,
hatiku tetap bersama denganmu,
untuk kau hidup,
untuk kau tersenyum,
untuk kau bernafas,
di dunia ini.

Biarpun satu hari nanti, jasadku tidak lagi menghirup cinta dunia kita.

Aku menantimu di sana. Menanti cinta sehingga ke penghujungnya.

#twochinaseasapart

Departure gates are so depressing šŸ˜©

Sent off this man of mine to Japan on his work trip. It is not as bad as last time, since his trip is just for a week. But believe this, both of us can’t deal w long distance. Yeap. Both of us. Seriously. Both of us. 

But we can do this. There’s Skype and have I mentioned that Tokyo’s internet is super laju? Yeah cause Skyping him last time, the connection was super sweet.

5 days. We can do this. 

Just like, working and you anticipate Fridays like usual. It’s gonna be quick just like that. 

We will be fine. 

We are like just Two China Seas apart. 6 hours 50 mins apart. 

Friday will come soon. 

Oh lord. Who am I kidding. 

*weeps loudly* šŸ˜©šŸ˜­šŸ˜«

P/s: One more trip. Then the next will be ours. ā¤ļø 

Hide hide little girl

feel thatĀ heart,

the unsettled beat,

the beat that calls out to you,

the beat that hurts theĀ inner soul,

the beat that made oneĀ fall,

to the ground,

deep down,

to the ground.

Feel that tears,

from the unsettled beat,

from the inner fight,

from the inner thoughts.

see that small little girl,

that small girl,

the girl that carries a box,

picking pieces

that shatters,

that crumbles,

sheĀ reveals,

theĀ pieces was once a heart,

the box is where she kept it,

the tearsĀ shows her struggles.

see that girl,

the girl thatĀ looks like you

now runs to safety

now run to find shelter.

and hides till the pieces comes together.

Hide hide little girl,

run away little girl,

it will be alright.

It will be all right.

Who You Love – John Mayer & Katy Perry

He was this boy, whom I met over the chatbox. A rubber duck was his avatar. He is the one with the lamest joke, having no idea what he wanted to say, I still laugh at every jokes he make. There is something about him that makes me feel the need to know him better. Every year, we grew closer, from MSN Messenger, we shifted to Yahoo Messenger, then Facebook came, we shifted to Facebook chat. Within that 5 years, no matter what happens, we will always find a way back to each other. Be it in games, or just a small talk over the messenger. Then, he became from my best friend to someone really special. Who knew?

Okay, who am I kidding. The friends knew about us. But yeah, it finally happens.

I learn to grow up with that wonderful man. We made mistakes together, solve it and smile on. We made steps through several obstacles, surviving and even heal one another through the process.

Currently, he is my best friend, my rocketeer, my iron man, and my joker.

In future to come, I hope he becomes my leap of joy, the heartbeat and the one that completes this very soul.

So, I ask again tonight, Who I Love.
I close my eyes, and I saw him.

Mental Picture

I turn to look by my side last night. What seems to be a misunderstanding turns to be one of my unforgettable mental picture that my memory keeps on repeating.

I remember he shifted my handbag to his side and swipe it with his computer bag. With his grumpy face, he asked me to lie down at the bag. A very confused me, asked him, for what reasons should I do it.

He keeps on tapping to the bag, and ask me to just lie down. I did as what I was told, because I didn’t know whether he was still upset or not. He pulled the tissue box closer and took the tissues to give it to me.

“Dah la. Jangan menangis”

That very words made me cry even more. So I cried to his laptop bag and he tapped my head calming me down. When it was supposed to be me, doing the pujuk-ing session. Since I made him upset over my impatience behaviour.

I kept repeating apologies over and over again. And he kept calming me down and put a smile to my face, our eyes stared at one another and we both smiled.


I am an independent individual, born as the eldest and only daughter. I am used to do things on my own and doing it at my own pace. I rather trouble myself and make it at ease for people than letting them do it on their own. Well.. to make it short, I am comfortable doing things in my own way. Looking at Le Beau last night, it strikes me, marriage would’ve mean me, having to put aside my independent traits and share every pain, smiles, laughter, sadness with another person. It will really mean opening up my life to another person for the rest of my life.

I am both excited and scared on that part, as much as I want to get married. That part sorts of scares me. But it’s good to know, someone understands that it’s gonna be a scary and bumpy ride, but they wanna go through it with you anyway. I refuse to talk about my wedding or marriage (no, it’s not happening anytime soon you nosy people). Because only God knows, the blueprint of my life. I only have a child’s imagination and just a slight idea what is going (or not) to happen.Ā  But like I said, it’s good to know, I have someone by my side ready to go through it.

I think you are the best gift, He gives to me.

It’s mushy I know. But it’s alright. it’s always alright.

No Superwoman

I hate providing a reason to why I am sad.

Must there be reasons to why I turn this way?

Do you think I know why my stomach is hungry, when I just ate a half hour ago? No. It is beyond my control.

Sometimes it’s not easy trying to flash a smile and trying to ‘chill lah’ or ‘don’t think too much’. Words seems easy. Advising seems easy. But going through it is horrendous enough. Yes, we don’t expect you to understand what we are going through but support is just enough.

People have this impression, that I am a strong person. That when I complain or when I am depress. They say I shouldn’t feel that way.

Guess what?

I hate that. I hate people telling me that I shouldn’t be a human. I am no superwoman.

I would kill to have some company from my grandparents. I miss their hugs. I miss their warm expressions. I miss their company. I miss their presence. I miss them not judging me for being a nonsense shit.

But life treats you so. What can you do?

You and me. Sitting in a tree. F.A.L.L.I.N.G ? Huh?

I am currently witnessing how much difference falling in love at this age (read: 24 years old and above) and falling in love when we were teenagers (read: 21 years old and below). That courtship approaches are different in so many aspects.

Again, I shall highlight ‘witnessing’ cause I am not the one facing it. I am observing how my friends are going through that early courtship phase and comparing it to my experience. They have this very straightforward approach. Within less than a month (heck no, weeks) they were able to be direct and clarify what each of them want in life and from each other. The maturity is like everywhere in their erm..recently built relationship (?). They didn’t waste time and they always clarify. Means, no petty, stupid mind games, or tug of war.

Whereas in my case, to be where I am now. I had to go through 5 years of tug of war (read: we play that tug of war in term of feelings, testing each others patience) and endless mind games. Which then, after five years of friendzoning (read: both of us received the friend zoned moments from one another, basically, we tally in that lol) I am in a 2 years of a lovely, blessed, high blood pressure relationship with my best friend. That totals up to 7 years of journey me and my best friend/le beau had to go through.

The difference when compared to mine and theirs, my friends at the age of 23 years old made it clear what they want. Me on the other hand, with le beau, only made it clear like when both of us are 22 years old. Back in high school, we kept poking each others’ feelings, egos involved and etc (oh well, you sort of get what I am saying). We only reached to that conclusion, when we realized we are tired of the mind games, and we just blurted out (5 years later) of how we just really like one another, and POOF. Here we are. Which we thought,

Me : Wouldn’t it be nice if we just be direct with one another like 5 years ago?

Le beau : We were young. We still have more things to learn. It’s the right time when we made it clear. Plus, you were playing hard to get

PFFT. Well, technically both of us were playing hard to get.

OKAY. running AWAY from the topic.

Referring to what le beau stated, “We were young, we still have more things to learn”, it’s the truth. We had to go through so many heart breaks to know and learn that love is not all mushy and sweet stuff. As with the heart breaks you learn to know yourself better. It’s when you reach the age of 23 years old and above, you realize what you want from another person and what you want for yourself too. At this point of life, you are tired of testing your feelings and really, changing partners or being in and out of relationship again, AND AGAIN, is really tiring. You just want to be steady and true. So I guess, that’s what differs between falling in love at a young age and at this later stage.

“It’s the right time when we made it clear”

Yeap, timing, also is the deal. We could always wish for it to be sooner or later. The truth is, we are not in control of that. We could be either too ripe or too young. The deal is, when the time comes, it will happen. If not, well try to learn something and just be patient I guess. For what I know, all of us experienced that young love, where the poking feelings and that ego level is exciting. But truth is, when you reach the age of,Ā  tired with all the f**k that the world is giving, you just want no game, no play and just be direct and go,

‘Okay, what do you want from me’

or

‘Yeah, I want you to know this is what I want from us’

Save the hassle and time. Then work out from that. I think another reason is, well everyone around us are either on their way to marriage and are married. That plays an effect to. You start to wonder what the f**k is going around in your life other than keeping fats under your tummy and everywhere else.

Friends : Wow, you are so good in giving advice la wei. So, when are YOU getting married?

Clara Fact of the day!

Regenerate: In Doctor Who series, meant that, every Doctor that experience severe injuries (like near death or major injuries) will HAVE to regenerate (new cells, bodies, face) to heal themselves (read: in a sense they are immortal lah, but only if they have time to regenerate).

So STOP ASKING ME UNLESS YOU WISH TO SPONSOR MY WEDDING.

Mucho love.
Keep reading peeps!

Signing out -Shaffyn

Untitled

Work is a pain in the ass.

Life is beating me hard.

I have the best support system. But yet, it’s not the time.

The figgridy frick is this.
I need to breathe. Let me breathe.
Let me breathe through ways that made me feel luckiest in the world.

This Tony Wayne.

image

Shout out to number 20.

The one that hears to every ramblings ever existed from me. Grumblings. Mumblings. Babblings. Every -ings. That came out.

Still standing tall and strong by my side. The one that made wedding bells image for me deem possible. And wonderful.

Insya Allah.
Thank you for always keeping me close to you.
And for always lending your ears and eyes and shoulders to me.
You are always my favourite. Always.

Now look away people. It’s a mushy post.
But then. You’ve read it anyway.
Aww shucks.