Hide hide little girl

feel that heart,

the unsettled beat,

the beat that calls out to you,

the beat that hurts the inner soul,

the beat that made one fall,

to the ground,

deep down,

to the ground.

Feel that tears,

from the unsettled beat,

from the inner fight,

from the inner thoughts.

see that small little girl,

that small girl,

the girl that carries a box,

picking pieces

that shatters,

that crumbles,

she reveals,

the pieces was once a heart,

the box is where she kept it,

the tears shows her struggles.

see that girl,

the girl that looks like you

now runs to safety

now run to find shelter.

and hides till the pieces comes together.

Hide hide little girl,

run away little girl,

it will be alright.

It will be all right.

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Rebah

Jangan gusar. Jangan sedih. Jangan la kau bermurung.

Sepuluh kali ku ulang. Sepuluh kali ku ingatkan pada minda ku. Aku memerlukan itu. Ungkapan untuk aku meneruskan langkah ku setiap hari. Pernah tak kau hidup, dan di suatu ketika di dalam langkah kau, kau rasa seperti mahu rebah. Rebah kerana kau rasa beban itu terlalu berat bagimu. Kau mahu menitiskan air mata, tapi kau sudah tidak mampu.

Aku mahu rebah.

Aku mahu rebah dan putus asa dalam perjalananku ini. Tapi apakan daya, aku bukan Tuhan, aku adalah HambaNya yang penuh dengan dosa. Penuh dengan kealpaan. Aku masih malu nak menghadapNya. Apatah lagi memutuskan nyawaku tanpa izinNya. Aku masih hina untuk berjumpa denganNya.

“Kenapa dengan kau ni? Okay tak? Kau macam tak cukup tidur je”

Dira menegur wajah ku yang kelihatan agak kusam dan kepenatan.

“Tak ah. Okay je. Tak ada benda” kataku penuh dengan penipuan.

Setiap kali aku jawap sebegitu, kata kata itu dipenuhi dengan penipuan, penipuan untuk menutup segala perasaan gusar, kesedihan, kehampaan. Sedangkan jauh di sudut jiwaku, aku meronta ronta.

‘Aku tak okay! Aku tak okay! Aku down. Aku nak menangis. Aku da give up. Tolonglah faham’

Sebegitu aku meronta ingin memberitahu, ingin meluah. Tapi ini realiti, tiada siapa yang peduli. Ataupun, jika ada yang peduli, aku terlalu kisahkan mereka lebih dari diri aku yang kini lemah.

Aku ada penyakit. Tak, jangan gentar. bukan penyakit yang kritikal. Aku ini punyai penyakit, di mana aku lebih rela membantu orang, dari membantu diri aku. Aku adalah manusia yang punyai kelemahan, di mana aku meletakkan perasaan dan keadaan orang yang aku sayangi sebagai keutamaanku. Aku utamakan kegembiraan mereka, kesedihan mereka, tatkala diri ku yang masih terumbang ambing. Aku tolak tepi keadaanku yang meronta kesakitan. Aku utamakan mereka yang memerlukan kehadiran aku.

“Babe, kau okay tak? Da macam tak dengar je apa kita orang cakap” tegur Syafiqa.

Tiga rakanku mula terhenti bicara, dan menoleh ke arah ku. Mereka menegur raut wajahku yang keletihan dan seumpama aku tak mampu nak participate dalam bicara itu. Aku memang dah lost. Aku dah tak boleh nak be apart of the circle. Sebab keadaan aku tak mengizinkan begitu.

Mereka tegur, kata risau. Mereka suruh aku pulang dahulu. Risaukan takut aku keletihan. Aku pon hanya membawa diri, berdiam, seumpama bersetuju dengan pendapat mereka yang aku ni tidak sihat dan keletihan.

“Babe. Rehatlah. jangan stress out. Try to relax. You suka overthink. Jangan la macam tu. Nanti you fikir bukan bukan, you lagi teruk. Jangan la stress okay. “ tegur Dira yang menghantar aku ke kereta. Aku hanya mampu mengangguk menandakan aku mengerti.

Aku tak suka bila orang kata begitu. Mereka tahukah hati ku ini berpecah belah? Mereka tahu ke jiwa ku ini rabak menunggu masa untuk rebah. Aku berlalu pergi. Dan aku termenung jauh memikirkan kenapa dengan diri ku ini.

Tiada apa. Aku berkata. Tiada apa. Aku ulangi semula. Aku berkata sekali lagi.

TIPU. TIPU. KAU TIPU. KAU TAHU KAU TAK KUAT. KAU TAHU KAU LEMAH.
KAU TAHU KAU PERLUKAN ORANG UNTUK BANGUN. KAU DAH TAK KUAT. KAU NAK PERTOLONGAN ORANG! KENAPA KAU SOMBONG. KENAPA KAU TAKUT

Meronta jiwaku. menitis air mataku. Kerana aku terdangar jeritan jiwaku meminta merayu aku meminta pertolongan orang. Aku bukan meminta belas kasihan. Aku bukan merayu meminta untuk disayangi. Aku bukan peminta sedekah. Tapi, aku adalah manusia. adakala aku ingin teman di sisi yang tidak mempersoalkan keadaanku. Yang tidak menilai remeh atau tidak masalah aku. Yang akan memberi sokongan padaku di saat aku rebah.

Kenapa kau begitu takut? Apa yang kau takutkan?

Hakikatnya, ini adalah dunia. Dunia di mana, kita hidup sendirian. di mana kita rebah, hanya ada segelintir yang akan lari ke arahmu dan membantumu. Di mana kita rebah di khalayak, tak akan ada yang peduli. Mereka tak akan mengerti kenapa kau menangis, kenapa kau yang selalu tersenyum riang, perlukan bantuan. mengapa kau yang kuat mampu terjatuh.

AKU MANUSIA. AKU HANYA MANUSIA

pernah tak kau sedar, kau terlalu menjaga orang. kau terlupa diri kau lebih memerlukan pertolongan.

kenapa Robin Williams bunuh diri? Sedangkan dia lah yang banyak mengukir senyuman di wajah manusia.

kenapa dia yang punyai senyuman, akhirnya menamatkan hidupnya dengan kesedihan?

aku tak mampu nak menamatkan riwayat aku. kerana aku masih lagi hamba yang hina. terlalu banyak yang aku perlu baiki sebelum menghadapNya.kereta aku terhenti. tanpa aku sedar, air mata ku membasahi pipi. aku terhenti di depan rumahku.

aku terdiam. aku sedar. sebelum aku menjejakkan kaki ke dalam. aku perlu sarungkan topeng aku. aku perlu sarungkan topeng anak yang berjalan dengan kejayaannya. yang jalan dengan serba yakin dengan pencapaiannya. namun begitu, di sebalik topeng itu, tersorok diriku yang makin hari makin lemah. makin hari makin rebah.

Siapa mampu selamatkan aku?

Tiada. Tiada. Kau hanya ada Dia.

Level with me here!

It is funny, when you see people who suffer more than you do.
When you see someone struggling to stand at this moment, after being emotionally hurt, abandoned halfway, for their one sided love.
Leaved behind, for their one sided beat of heart.
Shattered hopes of being together in a fantasy land. Once upon a time that can never exists.

It is funny.
To witness all of this.
It really is “funny”

image

When you are the one, who suffered more.
Struggled longer than they do.
Emotionally ripped apart.
And you have been there since the longest you can remember, by right, you suffer, hurt, ripped apart more than anyone should be.
Yet, here you are, witnessing how others “coping” to stand, after beaten down.

I am no wonder woman.
Let me tell you that.
cause the shits that I have been through, sucks more than you do.
But by all means, I did not put man as my leap of faith.
But God will always be, my protector, my hero.
My leap of faith is to The One and Only Protector.
For every thing that happens, happens for a reason.

So if you “suffer” more. Think twice. I am torn apart more than you do.
So calm your ‘tits’

Bells running

Brace yourselves, wedding season is coming.

Funny thing is, they don’t come for just a season containing 4 – 5 months. Wedding seasons, last for a total of up to 5 years. Sometimes can reach up to a decade. (Okay, exaggeration here).

So am I bitter cause I am not yet married?

No. (LIES)

Like seriously, no I am not bitter cause of that (LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE)

Okay.

I am. A little bit, and not full blown bitter.

Weddings. Marriage. It is a beautiful thing, believe me. But have you ever heard that when your best friend gets married, you lose your best friend, and you just end up coping up with life on your own.

I had to do that for the past one year. It sucks. But hey, I don’t literally lose her, but you start to lose the essence of it, cause truthfully, both of you are leading two different lives. One is building a new family, and the other is coping with her own life. Who to blame. That is life.

Coping is hard, in the process, you have to restart your life to basic, coping with just your own. You tend to be grumpy, you tend to lose the very essence of how life is happy, you turn into a workaholic person, cause you are running away from things that makes you sad. It’s not cause you make yourself turn sad, but rather more like, you don’t know how it works anymore.

At times like this, running away seems the best.

But deep down you know, you have to stand up and face it one day.

Bitterbatter

I am at the brink of being disconnected with any social media in existence.

Sometimes it is good to not be too connected with it.

Sometimes someone’s happiness is another man’s sadness.

I don’t feel as happy as I used to. Either life made me bitter. Or I really should just  be away from everyone. Temporarily.

“There are even worse people in your shoe. Be happy. You are lucky”

Not the kind of thing I wanna hear now.
Might as well you don’t say a word.

“I have no idea how it feels to you. But I am here. I am here if you need me”

The kind of support I need at this very moment.

So I turn to my side, only to find, myself staring at nothing

Who You Love – John Mayer & Katy Perry

He was this boy, whom I met over the chatbox. A rubber duck was his avatar. He is the one with the lamest joke, having no idea what he wanted to say, I still laugh at every jokes he make. There is something about him that makes me feel the need to know him better. Every year, we grew closer, from MSN Messenger, we shifted to Yahoo Messenger, then Facebook came, we shifted to Facebook chat. Within that 5 years, no matter what happens, we will always find a way back to each other. Be it in games, or just a small talk over the messenger. Then, he became from my best friend to someone really special. Who knew?

Okay, who am I kidding. The friends knew about us. But yeah, it finally happens.

I learn to grow up with that wonderful man. We made mistakes together, solve it and smile on. We made steps through several obstacles, surviving and even heal one another through the process.

Currently, he is my best friend, my rocketeer, my iron man, and my joker.

In future to come, I hope he becomes my leap of joy, the heartbeat and the one that completes this very soul.

So, I ask again tonight, Who I Love.
I close my eyes, and I saw him.

50 Shades of *Bleep*

So basically, of course, you have heard of 50 Shades of Grey.

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Woops. Wrong Poster.

c8513666e4f4d82ff60b4c5826b446bd Yeah. This one. The famous erotic romance novel, turns movie.

Meanwhile, in Malaysia. Along the stretches of long, news feed Facebook posts.

Individual A : 50 Shades of Grey is banned in Malaysia! SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT!

Individual B : Asyik-asyik banned cita feveret aku! Bodoh apa banned ni! Cerita je kot!

Individual C : 50 Shades kene banned! Macam mana nak tengok ni? Semua pon banned, ni yang aku tak suka Malaysia ni. Pindah la macam ni.

giphy

Yes, yes, I can bet to you, you have AT LEAST, ONE, human being, complaining how frustrated they are, that their 50 Shades of Grey (suddenly it’s their all time favourite movie, which they have never watch/read to begin with) is banned in Malaysia. Ironically, the ones complaining, are the ones that doesn’t portray the looks of having a BDSM fetish in their traits. Which surprisingly, you will start to look at them in a… rather… weird peculiar..way.

Anyway, in case you didn’t know, 50 Shades of Grey began its journey into the world, through series of book published by author E.L. James (the author is a she by the way). When the book is popular throughout 9gag, I started to ask around, to people whom have read it, what is so good about the book. Surprisingly to me, it is known to contain sexy fetish romance stuff in it. The thing is, the sexy fetish stuff, are BDSM type of sexual erm..stuff? I tried to read a few pages, (more like skimming through), and I was turned off at how, unsexy (not to mention, sort of kelam kabut-ish) the plot of the whole story is. I gave up and didn’t even bother to try to read the book. As what people said, the book is only famous for it’s BDSM sex stuff. Sort of erotic.

So when, they banned the movie, here in Malaysia. I am not surprised at all. I guess it is expected anyway. No way, a visual interpretation of the book could have a green light here. Even if it is shown to public, with the scenes cuts off, then it wouldn’t be 50 Shades of Grey! As the main essence of the movie is about how Mr Grey has 50 Shades of weird, dominance, and abusive sex traits. More like Shades of Boring Billionaire Grey.

I still don’t see the fuss about the movie, including the book. I am actuallly amazed, it has two more sequels/prequels to the book! I mean, apa je perkembangan cerita tu? (Please, don’t bother to explain what happened to them, I couldn’t care less, it was just a rhetorical question). 

No need to defend the movie, fans of Mr Grey, I am allowed to have my own opinion, and I am not interested in the book. I think I grew up with books by J.K Rowling, you know Harry Potter? Yeah that. The plot is wonderful, she managed to make another realm exists in our imagination, and created a small section of how real it feels in our mind. That is way more awesome than any other books. I will be pissed, if stories like Harry Potter were to be banned here, then I will allow you people to go berserk and outraged by it, because I know I will be part of them.

So, nothing much. I am just ranting about how people are making a fuss about the film being banned, when it is SO OBVIOUS, that it is too erotic for the society here. Calm your self down people.

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If you really want romantic? This character is super romantic, and no erotic, sexual, weird fetish is involved.

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(On the left is the 2005 movie version, Matthew Macfadyen and 1995 BBC series, Colin Firth) 

Ladies, I present to you Mr Darcy(s) from Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice.  Now this is a lovely piece of literature.

Anyway,

I am anticipating a much better movie than 50 Shades of Grey.

Yeap. This.

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Now if you would excuse me, I would like to paint 50 Shades of Boredom into my life.

Mental Picture

I turn to look by my side last night. What seems to be a misunderstanding turns to be one of my unforgettable mental picture that my memory keeps on repeating.

I remember he shifted my handbag to his side and swipe it with his computer bag. With his grumpy face, he asked me to lie down at the bag. A very confused me, asked him, for what reasons should I do it.

He keeps on tapping to the bag, and ask me to just lie down. I did as what I was told, because I didn’t know whether he was still upset or not. He pulled the tissue box closer and took the tissues to give it to me.

“Dah la. Jangan menangis”

That very words made me cry even more. So I cried to his laptop bag and he tapped my head calming me down. When it was supposed to be me, doing the pujuk-ing session. Since I made him upset over my impatience behaviour.

I kept repeating apologies over and over again. And he kept calming me down and put a smile to my face, our eyes stared at one another and we both smiled.


I am an independent individual, born as the eldest and only daughter. I am used to do things on my own and doing it at my own pace. I rather trouble myself and make it at ease for people than letting them do it on their own. Well.. to make it short, I am comfortable doing things in my own way. Looking at Le Beau last night, it strikes me, marriage would’ve mean me, having to put aside my independent traits and share every pain, smiles, laughter, sadness with another person. It will really mean opening up my life to another person for the rest of my life.

I am both excited and scared on that part, as much as I want to get married. That part sorts of scares me. But it’s good to know, someone understands that it’s gonna be a scary and bumpy ride, but they wanna go through it with you anyway. I refuse to talk about my wedding or marriage (no, it’s not happening anytime soon you nosy people). Because only God knows, the blueprint of my life. I only have a child’s imagination and just a slight idea what is going (or not) to happen.  But like I said, it’s good to know, I have someone by my side ready to go through it.

I think you are the best gift, He gives to me.

It’s mushy I know. But it’s alright. it’s always alright.

No Superwoman

I hate providing a reason to why I am sad.

Must there be reasons to why I turn this way?

Do you think I know why my stomach is hungry, when I just ate a half hour ago? No. It is beyond my control.

Sometimes it’s not easy trying to flash a smile and trying to ‘chill lah’ or ‘don’t think too much’. Words seems easy. Advising seems easy. But going through it is horrendous enough. Yes, we don’t expect you to understand what we are going through but support is just enough.

People have this impression, that I am a strong person. That when I complain or when I am depress. They say I shouldn’t feel that way.

Guess what?

I hate that. I hate people telling me that I shouldn’t be a human. I am no superwoman.

I would kill to have some company from my grandparents. I miss their hugs. I miss their warm expressions. I miss their company. I miss their presence. I miss them not judging me for being a nonsense shit.

But life treats you so. What can you do?